Weird Stuff About Me

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No, believe it or not, this isn’t a continuation of my comedic “About Me” post from a few days back, but instead something true but possibly just as bizarre. Not exactly sure why I’m sharing this, but I promised a new post, so here you go.

Despite how it might seem with my ‘impeccable’ posting regularity (note the sarcasm there), I am not in actual fact perfect. There are odd imperfections, albeit ones 99.99% of the world’s population will ever witnessed, because they all take place at night.

There are two things which I’ll discuss, the first of which I don’t know the name to. So hopefully someone reading this might be a more medically/scientifically knowledgeable, in which case please do my curiosity a huge favour and leave a message explaining what it is so I know it exists and I’m not mad. You’ll have my eternal thanks.

Basically, I have these times where I’ll dream I’m flying or floating and then I wake up and actually slam into the bed, almost as if I had been levitating and crashed back to earth with my consciousness. Now, unless I’m an unknowing mutant, I’m guessing it’s a muscle problem? Something about the chemicals administered during the sleep cycles to treat them or whatever, I’m not Isaac Newton. Again, if this sounds familiar to anyone by all means, please enlighten me.

The second oddity about my sleep is known to me, however that doesn’t make it any less strange. Or, for that matter, sinister. It’s called Sleep Paralysis, and it’s slightly disturbing…

Very rarely, I will wake up suddenly and violently in the middle of the night to see shadowy figures standing over me whilst I’m pinned (crushingly, I might add) to the bed,  a demonic roar flooding my ears. This lasts for what seems like a terrifying eternity until I actually hear myself praying and begging for it to end, although I never have any will over what I say. Everything ends as suddenly as it had begun, and I fall heavily to sleep. I awake naturally in the morning, slightly disturbed and a bit ashamed – I like to think myself a rational person, for the most part, and I know none of it’s real, even when it’s happening. But that doesn’t still the terror. Fortunately, apart from those awkward feelings in the morning, there are no lasting effects.

Now, as I said before, this I know about: sleep paralysis dates back to the medieval days (at least, in theory, as although current medical knowledge at the time was thin on the ground, experts today find instances that match the symptoms). At the time, it was commonly mistaken for demonic possession, and for obvious reasons, having suffered from it for several years. But now we know that it’s to do with the chemicals released by the brain when asleep, chemicals that relax the muscles to a state of semi-paralysis (hence why most people don’t toss and turn, or roll out of bed)… Not only does sleep paralysis deliver an overdose on rare occasions, but on these occassions the brain will snap on when the rest of the body is still asleep and it gets confused as all hell. Hallucinations and panic attacks seem to be its way to deal with the impossibilities it’s witnessing, much to our distress. Sadly, being armed with knowledge doesn’t do squat to rectify the predicament, and I don’t know if I’ll ever recover, or if any night now could be my next attack. Like I said, there’s no lasting trauma when I wake up and can rationally tell myself what happened, but that doesn’t mean I dont dread the next attack.

What about you, fair readers? I’m sure I’m not alone with weird, wonderful and lesser known conditions; if you’re willing to share, I’d love to hear from you. And if you know what my first condition is, I’d love to hear from you? Is it tied to the sleep paralysis? Let me know what you thought of this, and I may well make a regular thing of exploring off conditions…

Until next time!

Dave

About Me (HUMOUR)

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It’s been too long, friends. But I’m back, with a snazzy new phone with this cool little WordPress app, so I thought I ought to anoint it with a brief biography – expect more posts and reviews to come at regular intervals, the next probably being on Saturday.

Anyways, about me…. Well, I was born on a blood moon to a unicorn and a bass player in a Spandau Ballet tribute band. From an early age it was clear I was magical, as I could fart rainbows and count to googleplex in Klingon. I grew up fast, my life an 80s movie training montage with a song from Peter Gabriel (maybe Big Time or Sledgehammer), during which I ran away from the circus, saved a poor remote town from a villainous oil baron, and jumped the General Lee over the Grande Canyon. In my teenage years I was selected as a Power Ranger, but I didn’t know any martial arts so became the Earl Grey Ranger,  throwing kick ass tea parties every time they saved the world from an alien immigration invasion or one of Godzilla’s rampaging stools. Finally, it was time to return my home planet of Krypton, but sadly I’d left the gas on several years prior and it had since blown up. Stranded on Earth, I studied important life skills like crochet, lollygagging and puppy origami. Ready for adulthood, I set out into the world to make my fortune as a tree doctor, quickly earning fame for a triple-sap bypass I’d performed on an overweight redwood. After a few years I decided I wanted a change of pace, to started living backwards. That was okay until I reached reverse puberty, then I moved on to bigger things, like elephant smuggling. I had give that up after the fifth crushed moped put me in debt, and now I live my life as a mysterious masked man, known only as the dashing Suspect on Crimewatch. I wander the land, seeking out adventure and a comfy pair of slippers. My mission is not over.

… That’s about it, to the best of my memory? What about you? Do you have any special stories from your life? Let us know in the comments!

Until next time (definitely Saturday)!

Dave