About Me (HUMOUR)


It’s been too long, friends. But I’m back, with a snazzy new phone with this cool little WordPress app, so I thought I ought to anoint it with a brief biography – expect more posts and reviews to come at regular intervals, the next probably being on Saturday.

Anyways, about me…. Well, I was born on a blood moon to a unicorn and a bass player in a Spandau Ballet tribute band. From an early age it was clear I was magical, as I could fart rainbows and count to googleplex in Klingon. I grew up fast, my life an 80s movie training montage with a song from Peter Gabriel (maybe Big Time or Sledgehammer), during which I ran away from the circus, saved a poor remote town from a villainous oil baron, and jumped the General Lee over the Grande Canyon. In my teenage years I was selected as a Power Ranger, but I didn’t know any martial arts so became the Earl Grey Ranger,  throwing kick ass tea parties every time they saved the world from an alien immigration invasion or one of Godzilla’s rampaging stools. Finally, it was time to return my home planet of Krypton, but sadly I’d left the gas on several years prior and it had since blown up. Stranded on Earth, I studied important life skills like crochet, lollygagging and puppy origami. Ready for adulthood, I set out into the world to make my fortune as a tree doctor, quickly earning fame for a triple-sap bypass I’d performed on an overweight redwood. After a few years I decided I wanted a change of pace, to started living backwards. That was okay until I reached reverse puberty, then I moved on to bigger things, like elephant smuggling. I had give that up after the fifth crushed moped put me in debt, and now I live my life as a mysterious masked man, known only as the dashing Suspect on Crimewatch. I wander the land, seeking out adventure and a comfy pair of slippers. My mission is not over.

… That’s about it, to the best of my memory? What about you? Do you have any special stories from your life? Let us know in the comments!

Until next time (definitely Saturday)!


My PitchWars Rollercoaster

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So, January 23rd is quickly approaching like a ravenous jaguar that’s just realised its prey got stuck in a bear-trap (this happens more often than you’d think. Seriously, watch Discovery once in a while), and I’ve finally finished the line-edits from all my betas, finishing with my mentor’s. It was a hard and informing journey, but now we’ve come to the biggest monster of them all: addition revision!

But Dave!” I hear you cry. “The agents will be reading your opening in just two days! Aren’t you worried that they’ll be reading one version and unknowingly making requests (hopefully) for an entirely different one?

Not at all, dear friends, and allow me to tell you why:

1) I’m smarter than I look, believe it or not: I’ve already edited the opening that the agents will be reading so it won’t be different.

2) There’s not exactly a mountain of changes to make, and seeing as how I’m practically snowed under, I’ve got all the time between now and the 23rd to slip in the additions. And seeing as how they’re not entirely game-changers, it won’t wreck the narrative one bit.

3) Don’t call me Dave. Only friends call me Dave.

4) … What’s that? I said you were my friends when I started this list?

5) Okay, then. Call me Dave.

Where was I…?

Oh, yes! The additions.

Well, they range from bit-parts to major character motives, scene changes or alternative versions, and the addition of new ‘casefiles’ pulled from the Enigma Files website itself.

That’s right; not only has this last month given me a huge, unique insight into both the agent-hunting life (my mentor chose mine from hundreds of other entrants submitted to her within a week), and the author-agent dynamic, but it’s also shown me how someone who shares the same passion for the future of your book – agent or beta – can only be a Good Thing, and will often lead to the improvement of the book.

In this case, the improvement came from my mentor Jennifer. Not only has she jumped at the sight of my ‘X-Files for kids‘ tagline, but she’s done everything in her power to eke out every last possible drop of X-Filesness… Which led to the casefiles.

These are the sort of ingenious suggestion that make you slap your face in disbelief; I mean, I’d always considered adding casefiles, but was worried that the inclusion of non-fictional segments would never work. Then along comes Awesome Malone, the Master Mentor, with the same desire to see more files explaining the paranormal and that, as they say, was that.

Now, whenever Karl Breslin – protagonist and administrator of the Enigma Files website – mentions paranormal phenomena, the reader can expect to see more information on the subject in a casefile at the end of the chapter.

It’s working out great so far, and I can’t wait for Wednesday.

Until then!


Do you have any special methods of revision? What about special features in your books? Lemme know in the comments!