Anti-Coffee Propaganda! (HUMOUR)

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Greetings!

I know, I know, it’s been a while again, many apologies. To make it up to you all I’d thought I’d share a piece I wrote to contribute to a coffee-vs-tea debate taking place on one of my favourite forums. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it 😉

 

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You! Yes, you there, slurping your fiftieth cup of that molten bitter abomination know as ‘coffee‘ – you probably can’t read this because your bouncing around like a rabbit on a jackhammer, hmm? Well, if you weren’t, you’d know that the coffee concoction is actually an invention of Freddie Krueger and the Dream Genie as a secret weapon to keep you all awake so you can’t interfere in their plans to brainwash your children in their sleep to rise up and form a new dark domain on Earth. Yeah… that’s right, you heard me. Every Starbucks you guzzle is a step closer to your own annihilation.

Don’t believe me? Just read these facts, as proven by SCIENCE* and brought to you by the Jolly Tea and Cocoa Drinkers Amalgamation, and see for yourself…

  • Coffee beans are a myth; coffee was actually ‘discovered’ out of desperation of an over-abundance of rabbit droppings.
  • The Boston Tea Party was a conspiracy by the joint efforts of the Coffee-Drinking Communists, the Masons, Illuminati, Time-Travelling Hitler, the Easter Bunny, Fu Manchu, Cthulhu, Time-Travelling Genghis Khan, The Immortal Hulk Hogan, The Master, Time-Travelling Jack the Ripper and a Pikachu with a grudge to swell the numbers of coffee enthusiasts. But we all know how that went, now don’t we?
  • George Clooney, spokesperson for ‘Nespresso’, is in actual fact an android puppet of the Nescafe corporation. The real George Clooney died during the filming of Batman and Robin, where he succumbed to dehydration within his bat-nipple suit. It seems exploiting the dead whilst keeping their passing a secret from the public isn’t above these nefarious bean-floggers…
  • Coffee’s bitter taste derives from the sad, salty tears of the child-slaves forced to crush the ‘beans’ 25/8 – that’s right, they’re so overworked they had to invent an extra hour and day just to meet demands.
  • Until recently, it was believed that medieval castles protected their gates from invaders by pouring cauldrons of boiling oil and/or tar from the parapets. Recent historians have discovered that actually, being true tea-loyal Brits, they were really dumping all their remaining supplies of that dreadful coffee.
  • Did you know? If you spill a bag of coffee ‘beans’ on the floor at exactly midnight, they’ll form a perfect map of the Nine Circles of Hell from whence they came.
  • Every time you dunk a biscuit in a cup of coffee, Mr McVities drowns a kitten in a well. And he’s filled up several hundred wells so far…
  • Aliens exist. We here at the Jolly Tea and Cocoa Drinkers Amalgamation have contacted them. They’d dearly love to visit us, but sadly coffee is their kryptonite and just being in the same atmosphere with so many coffee drinkers would prove fatal to them. So how do you feel, huh, knowing your despicable drinking habits are preventing the human race from reaching its true galactic potential? The Federation will never become a reality as long as you partake of the Black Bean.
  • Every time you eat a chocolate coated coffee ‘bean’, Willy Wonka stuffs an Oompa Loompa full of everlasting gobstoppers. He’s swiftly running out of workers, but his taxidermy collection is staggering.
  • No one really likes coffee, they’re just too weak-willed to resist the subliminal messaging Nescafe, Kenco and their band of Black Bean Brethren have planted in almost every webpage. Why, being of superior mental control I’ve spotted three such subtle commands on this very page alone.
  • Four now.
  • Did you know? We have nothing to fear except fear itself… and the fact that the President drinks ninety shots of espresso a day. And that big red button is looking mighty fun with every drained glass.
  • Five
  • Every time you eat coffee-flavoured ice-cream, Mr Whippy runs over a small child. Enough said, I’m sure.

So! There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, undeniable and irrefutable proof that the consumption of the Black Bean leads to ruin, devastation, and the Infernal Eye Twitch. So cast aside your mugs, throw down your coffe-pots – kick that Starbucks mermaid right in the tuna and say “No! No more! I will never be a slave to the Demon Drink again! For I have seen the light, and that light comes from the warm glow of freshly brewed tea, or the beaming smile of a child who’s been given a mug of cocoa steeped with mini-marshmallows! Those are the only two TRUE warm beverages, and never again shall I stray! GET THEE BEHIND ME, KENCO!”

You will thank us in time, and we will always welcome you with open arms, and triangle teabags.

Sincerely,
The Jolly Tea and Cocoa Drinkers Amalgamation

*- SCIENCE – The Secret Collective Inventing ‘Evidence’ in the kNowledge that Coffee is Evil

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Random Ramblings: I’m Going to Explode…

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So, something I’ve learned tonight…

Cooking too much when you’ve got a family or group of people you’re cooking for is fine: it’s a sign that you’re a caring soul, that you’d rather have food left over than have your loved ones go hungry. It’s a wonderful fault to have.

Cooking too much when you live alone, on the other hand, isn’t so endearing. Especially if you cook rice.

Dear lord, the rice!

They’re sneaky buggers, those grains of rice. You can pour in about two handfuls of the stuff… But not always get the same amount back. What the hell, right?

It’s almost like, sometimes, extra grains of rice hide inside other grains inside other bloody grains! It’s like a crap version of ‘Inception’, I swear…

Sometimes, I wonder if hot water is the secret catalyst for the rice reproductive cycle. Either that, or rice are Gremlins…

Dave

Day 29 – Make Em’ Laugh…

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I’m currently in the process of perfecting the first 5000 words of my novel in time for an agency’s funny-story competition, and when I’d gotten it to the best I possibly could at the moment, I went on to write more of the overall novel. That’s when I noticed something for probably the first time…

Writing comedy is HARD. Seriously hard. And comedy for children? Probably the hardest of all.

It’s not as simple as “That’s funny, I’ll put that in!” You’ve got to consider your audience, the joke’s suitably, it’s necessity to the story, it’s phrasing/delivery… There’s no point having a funny idea if you can’t get it across clearly for your readers. Especially children – adults will read a long, convoluted humourous passage, decipher the intended joke, and move on. Children will just find the book boring, and put it down. Then you, as the author, have lost.

Thankfully, as the author, you have as long as it takes to make every joke zing (unless you’re an already-published author working to a deadline, in which case I’d think it’s safe to say you’ve already proven you know how to write jokes). Your first draft can be as long and muddled as it can possibly be, because your revision process will then whittle away all that fluff and prattle time and time again, until you’re left with as close to perfect as it’s going to get. And it’s the same with writing the jokes. So what if it took you four lines to say “grandma blew-up the birthday cake”? What matters is that, by the time you’ve revised it half a dozen times or more, you’ve got something snappy, surprising, and sure to make the kids giggle.

So take it from me – just because writing gets hard from time to time doesn’t mean you’re going anything wrong. It just means you’re learning more about the writing craft itself…

Until tomorrow!

Dave

Day 18 – A Realisation

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I’m writing this late because I’ve been up all night trying to complete a goal I set for myself last night: that I would complete my novel that I started for NaNoWriMo a few years back.

Needless to say, I was excited to finally get to finish a novel, especially one that’s been incomplete for over 2 years. The climax I had been stuck on even came to me in a moment of inspiration – everything was there!

Or so I thought. Because when I  actually sat down to finish typing this YA adventure, I got about four lines of awkward prose down before I realised something: the manuscript had been incomplete for a reason. Not because it was bad, it was damned good at times. And it wasn’t because of writers block – don’t believe in it, and pretty sure I explained how I bypass it in a recent blog.

No, I couldn’t write anything because I realised that, as much as I want to add to the action-packed, gore-filled side of YA, that particular market just wasn’t where my heart was anymore. It might return there at some point, then my manuscript might finally see completion, and maybe publication. But not now, not today.

Today, as it has been for a long time now, my heart has been firmly in the children’s fiction market – children’s humour, to be precise.

So I went back to a comedic novel based in a superhero school. I won’t say any more right now, except that I am REALLY excited, the jokes aren’t sucking as much as I feared (or at least I hope they’re not. Still need to get some betas), and the first draft should be finished by the end of the week!

I’ll keep you posted – until tomorrow!

Dave