It’s been too long, friends. But I’m back, with a snazzy new phone with this cool little WordPress app, so I thought I ought to anoint it with a brief biography – expect more posts and reviews to come at regular intervals, the next probably being on Saturday.

Anyways, about me…. Well, I was born on a blood moon to a unicorn and a bass player in a Spandau Ballet tribute band. From an early age it was clear I was magical, as I could fart rainbows and count to googleplex in Klingon. I grew up fast, my life an 80s movie training montage with a song from Peter Gabriel (maybe Big Time or Sledgehammer), during which I ran away from the circus, saved a poor remote town from a villainous oil baron, and jumped the General Lee over the Grande Canyon. In my teenage years I was selected as a Power Ranger, but I didn’t know any martial arts so became the Earl Grey Ranger,  throwing kick ass tea parties every time they saved the world from an alien immigration invasion or one of Godzilla’s rampaging stools. Finally, it was time to return my home planet of Krypton, but sadly I’d left the gas on several years prior and it had since blown up. Stranded on Earth, I studied important life skills like crochet, lollygagging and puppy origami. Ready for adulthood, I set out into the world to make my fortune as a tree doctor, quickly earning fame for a triple-sap bypass I’d performed on an overweight redwood. After a few years I decided I wanted a change of pace, to started living backwards. That was okay until I reached reverse puberty, then I moved on to bigger things, like elephant smuggling. I had give that up after the fifth crushed moped put me in debt, and now I live my life as a mysterious masked man, known only as the dashing Suspect on Crimewatch. I wander the land, seeking out adventure and a comfy pair of slippers. My mission is not over.

… That’s about it, to the best of my memory? What about you? Do you have any special stories from your life? Let us know in the comments!

Until next time (definitely Saturday)!