Greetings!

I know, I know, it’s been a while again, many apologies. To make it up to you all I’d thought I’d share a piece I wrote to contribute to a coffee-vs-tea debate taking place on one of my favourite forums. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it 😉

 

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You! Yes, you there, slurping your fiftieth cup of that molten bitter abomination know as ‘coffee‘ – you probably can’t read this because your bouncing around like a rabbit on a jackhammer, hmm? Well, if you weren’t, you’d know that the coffee concoction is actually an invention of Freddie Krueger and the Dream Genie as a secret weapon to keep you all awake so you can’t interfere in their plans to brainwash your children in their sleep to rise up and form a new dark domain on Earth. Yeah… that’s right, you heard me. Every Starbucks you guzzle is a step closer to your own annihilation.

Don’t believe me? Just read these facts, as proven by SCIENCE* and brought to you by the Jolly Tea and Cocoa Drinkers Amalgamation, and see for yourself…

  • Coffee beans are a myth; coffee was actually ‘discovered’ out of desperation of an over-abundance of rabbit droppings.
  • The Boston Tea Party was a conspiracy by the joint efforts of the Coffee-Drinking Communists, the Masons, Illuminati, Time-Travelling Hitler, the Easter Bunny, Fu Manchu, Cthulhu, Time-Travelling Genghis Khan, The Immortal Hulk Hogan, The Master, Time-Travelling Jack the Ripper and a Pikachu with a grudge to swell the numbers of coffee enthusiasts. But we all know how that went, now don’t we?
  • George Clooney, spokesperson for ‘Nespresso’, is in actual fact an android puppet of the Nescafe corporation. The real George Clooney died during the filming of Batman and Robin, where he succumbed to dehydration within his bat-nipple suit. It seems exploiting the dead whilst keeping their passing a secret from the public isn’t above these nefarious bean-floggers…
  • Coffee’s bitter taste derives from the sad, salty tears of the child-slaves forced to crush the ‘beans’ 25/8 – that’s right, they’re so overworked they had to invent an extra hour and day just to meet demands.
  • Until recently, it was believed that medieval castles protected their gates from invaders by pouring cauldrons of boiling oil and/or tar from the parapets. Recent historians have discovered that actually, being true tea-loyal Brits, they were really dumping all their remaining supplies of that dreadful coffee.
  • Did you know? If you spill a bag of coffee ‘beans’ on the floor at exactly midnight, they’ll form a perfect map of the Nine Circles of Hell from whence they came.
  • Every time you dunk a biscuit in a cup of coffee, Mr McVities drowns a kitten in a well. And he’s filled up several hundred wells so far…
  • Aliens exist. We here at the Jolly Tea and Cocoa Drinkers Amalgamation have contacted them. They’d dearly love to visit us, but sadly coffee is their kryptonite and just being in the same atmosphere with so many coffee drinkers would prove fatal to them. So how do you feel, huh, knowing your despicable drinking habits are preventing the human race from reaching its true galactic potential? The Federation will never become a reality as long as you partake of the Black Bean.
  • Every time you eat a chocolate coated coffee ‘bean’, Willy Wonka stuffs an Oompa Loompa full of everlasting gobstoppers. He’s swiftly running out of workers, but his taxidermy collection is staggering.
  • No one really likes coffee, they’re just too weak-willed to resist the subliminal messaging Nescafe, Kenco and their band of Black Bean Brethren have planted in almost every webpage. Why, being of superior mental control I’ve spotted three such subtle commands on this very page alone.
  • Four now.
  • Did you know? We have nothing to fear except fear itself… and the fact that the President drinks ninety shots of espresso a day. And that big red button is looking mighty fun with every drained glass.
  • Five
  • Every time you eat coffee-flavoured ice-cream, Mr Whippy runs over a small child. Enough said, I’m sure.

So! There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, undeniable and irrefutable proof that the consumption of the Black Bean leads to ruin, devastation, and the Infernal Eye Twitch. So cast aside your mugs, throw down your coffe-pots – kick that Starbucks mermaid right in the tuna and say “No! No more! I will never be a slave to the Demon Drink again! For I have seen the light, and that light comes from the warm glow of freshly brewed tea, or the beaming smile of a child who’s been given a mug of cocoa steeped with mini-marshmallows! Those are the only two TRUE warm beverages, and never again shall I stray! GET THEE BEHIND ME, KENCO!”

You will thank us in time, and we will always welcome you with open arms, and triangle teabags.

Sincerely,
The Jolly Tea and Cocoa Drinkers Amalgamation

*- SCIENCE – The Secret Collective Inventing ‘Evidence’ in the kNowledge that Coffee is Evil

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